Bloggin' My Mind, Baby!!!

Searching

glorianafoster — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 05:07:12 +0000

I guess it’s the same search that I’ve been on forever, so it’s nothing new. This time though it seems like I might actually stick it out until I find what I’m looking for. Examining the past is painful. I tend to bury it until memories come as a surprise. Like seriously, I barely remember high school. So what am I searching for? I’m searching for peace. School’s out and I’ve been enjoying the time off. Well, maybe enjoying is the wrong word. I’ve been indulging my lazy tendencies. Not every single day, but most days. I haven’t been to church in three weeks and with the besty gone I’ve been kind of adrift. A part from God, I don’t know who I am. As a Christian, I have an identity. I don’t have to wonder because I know who I am–I’m a child of God. I’m still a Christian of course, but being out of church for that long? Not hearing the word? You lose the connection.

I’m on a quest to find my way back to Him. He’s still here I know. He told me that He’d never leave me nor forsake me. He’s here. I just have to give in and surrender.

Excited

glorianafoster — Sun, 23 May 2010 04:02:35 +0000

God is doing a new thing in my life, and I’m so excited I can hardly stand it. He’s grooming me, shaping me, transforming me little by little and I can’t wait to see what the finished product’s gonna look like. Oh what an awesome God I serve. Simply amazing. So marvellous. Breathtaking, really. Lord you are sooooooooooooooooooo good. So, so, so, so, so, so good.

A Change is a Coming, Yes Lord

glorianafoster — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 03:41:26 +0000

The enemy is fighting me hard on this one, but the Lord is crystal clear. It’s time. I can feel the winds of change blowing hard in my direction and I am soooooooooooooo ready. Yes, Lord. Tired of the same old same old. Ready for the next level. The higher, the deeper. The next phase in my life.

I Keep Falling, But You Always Help Me Up.

glorianafoster — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 01:29:33 +0000

Let me let you in on a little secret: I’m human. What’s that? You figured as much? Well, ladeeda. Aren’t you the smart one. Well, I guess it’s only a secret to me. For SO long I’ve been living as if I were…well you know…perfect. Now, I haven’t been succeeding at being perfect mind you, I’ve just been acting like I am. And you know what that means right? Yes, absolutely. It’s a catastrophic existence trying to reconcile perfection with humanity, I tell you what. On the one hand, I have this idea that I’m supposed to be perfect, and on the other hand I’m not. Ooh doggy, what a conundrum and such. Imagine the fun times I have in my head-NOT!!! I’m not perfect. I wish I were, but I’m really not perfect. I mess up all the time. I say the wrong things, I do the wrong things, and I often feel like a total loser because of it. Instead of embracing my humanity and brushing myself off, I use my imperfections and bludgeon my self-esteem to death. The same old song is on repeat in my head, “Why am I such a loser?”

Well I think it’s time that I kicked that sucka to the curb, don’t you? I’m 29 years old (an oldie, but goodie I assure you), and it’s high time that I get my you know what together. I’ve very unwisely been trying for years to change the outside without looking at the inside. Occasionally, I’ll have a mini-breakdown and the Lord will have to pick me up and set me on the right path, but honestly I need to get IT together, dude. Thirty is looking me square in the face and I won’t lie to ya it’s intimidating the heck out of me. What do I know about being thirty? I’m still that eleven year old girl who left her Mom and brother to move to America on the inside. She’s shy, insecure, and deeply in need of love. Granted, I’ve tried to off her many times, but at the end of the day she’s still there. I have to face the fact that I’m not perfect and embrace it. If God can love me and accept me just the way I am, why can’t I love me and accept me the way I am? He has way more cause to denigrate and degrade me, but He doesn’t. He remembers that I am flesh and He loves me with an everlasting love. I need to start showing some of that love to myself. I think it’s time that I start helping myself up. After all, He has given me the strength, power, and authority. I’ll let you know how it goes. And by you, I mean the exactly no people who are reading this.

Inferiority Complex

glorianafoster — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:44:42 +0000

I’ve had low self-esteem for most of my life, and a pretty big inferiority complex too. As I’ve grown older, both have dissipated a little, but they still remain. I still, consciously and subconsciously think others are better than me. For instance, in some of my friendships I’ve elevated people way above myself and when they aren’t happy with me, I feel devastated. I esteem them so high that I often explain away or ignore their faults. It’s not their fault of course. I can’t be mad at someone for treating me the way I’ve taught them to treat me. I am after all an adult.

So what am I saying? I’m saying that I’m sick of it. All of it. I’m sick of low self-esteem and I’m tired of feeling inferior. What makes anyone better than me? The fact that they might be skinnier, prettier, more confident, smarter, funnier? Whatever dude. I need to get rid of this notion that I need the approval of others to be happy. I am not perfect. No matter how much I wish I were, I’m definitely not perfect. But neither is anyone else. They are not infallible. I’m not the smartest, but I am smart. I’m not the most talented, but I am talented. I’m not the wisest, but I have wisdom.

I’ve been hating myself for TOO long. And why? Because I’m messy and overweight? Because I get nervous around people and behave awkwardly? Is messing up the end of the world? Do I have to be perfect for someone to love me? Why do I have to go out of my way to make sure that I please others? I DON’T. I DO NOT have to put on a show for the approval of others. I can be my darn self. I am NOT perfect. I make mistakes. I make terrible choices. BUT. I deserve respect and love just like anybody else. I’m done with elevating others above myself. I. AM. DONE.

Can I do it?

glorianafoster — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 03:17:37 +0000

Am I capable of change? Do I have the strength to discipline myself? Do I have what it takes to tell myself, “NO!” and mean it? I hope I do. I pray I do. Sometimes I even know I do and I know I must. I’m tired of living a half life. God has blessed me immensely. He’s given me gifts and talents that are just waiting to be unleashed. I have to do what needs to be done. I’ll be 29 next month. 29!!!! 29???? Yes 29. Next year I’ll be…okay let’s not go there right now. My point is that I’m getting older, but I still feel like I’m 16. By George sometimes I act like I’m still 16. I have to get it together, dude.

By the time I turn…you know what…I want to have my life together. I don’t expect it to all be worked out by then, but I want to have my relationship with God as strong as it can be. I want to be fit and in shape. Even if I’m not at my goal weight, I want to be actively losing weight. I want to be at least 75% out of debt. I want to have ME together. I want the low self-esteem to TOTALLY dissipate. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and I want to be happy with my body. I don’t want my thirties to be anything like my twenties.

There has to be some difference, right? Otherwise what’s the point. Getting older is depressing enough, I’d better be learning something along the way. So, the question is “can I do it?” Can I change my life? Well, darn. I BETTER!!!!

Why is life so hard?

glorianafoster — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 03:45:36 +0000

At what age does it get easier? When does everything click into place? Why does everything have to be a struggle? Even faith. Especially faith. Even friends and definitely family. No break. Ever. Just toil and foil. Fail and fail.

Sinking

glorianafoster — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 03:08:45 +0000

As a new school year begins and I return to work, I can feel panic starting to set in. Being a slacker is only cool when you are a slacker. I want to give and be the best in everything, but I always seem to fall short. I am so eager to give my all and I’m very motivated to succeed, but I feel as if I’m drowning in a sea of impotence. It’s not just work; it’s my life. I want to lose weight, but I haven’t worked out in weeks. I want to get out of debt, but I have been living off my credit cards. I want to get closer to God, but I can’t seem to put Him first. I want to be more organized, but the mess just seems to get bigger and bigger. I’m drowning. Sinking fast. I hate this feeling. Fact is, fear is the absence of faith and right now I’m fearful and faithless. I’m fearful of failure. Fearful that I can’t do it. I’m faithless when it comes to trusting God and trusting myself. I don’t think I can do it. Any of it: lose weight, kick butt at work, get closer to God, clean up my mess, or get out of debt. What do I do?

Useless

glorianafoster — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 08:06:04 +0000

It’s useless trying to explain yourself to other people and I don’t even know why I bother. Well, maybe it’s because I’m self-centered and I love to talk about myself. Or maybe it’s because I’m clueless and I’m trying to figure myself out myself. Or maybe I just love the beautiful sound of my voice. Or maybe it’s because I’m so obsessed with being liked that I have to “fix” the damage of whatever “stupid” thing I did or said. It’s kinda tiring being me. I don’t know why I am the way I am. I mean I could probably guess, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really change what I presently am. Which by the way I don’t know. That is to say I don’t know what I presently am, other than the fact that I don’t like it. It’s not the “stupid” things that I do or say that I mind so much, as the fact that I label them stupid and then torment myself with wondering what people think about what I did or said. Sometimes I just wish I could run away from the world. Just move to the mountains or something. But you know what? That wouldn’t solve my problem because I’d still have to deal with the voices in my head. And these aren’t the cool, crazy voices that tell you to walk around uttering nonsense. No, these are the voices that don’t go away with medication. These are the voices that eventually drive you to walk around talking about unicorns and goblins. But before you reach that blessed respite of insanity you have to deal with questioning whether or not you talked to much or what Bob thinks about you. Gosh. Did I mention how being me is driving me crazy? Well now you know.

Who am I?

glorianafoster — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 07:54:31 +0000

Who am I? What a totally cliched question. Still, it’s a question that overwhelms me in moments like these when my mind is free of distractions. Who am I? How do you answer that question? How do I answer that question? With the best truth I’ve got, I guess. I’m not sure who I am. I have a long list of attributes and characteristics both positive and negative, but they don’t truly tell me who I am. I try so hard to be perfect because if I’m perfect then I’ll finally get unconditional love. Isn’t that crazy and ironic. It’s also very sad because I’m so totally flawed and imperfect. I’m smart but I’m not the smartest. I’m funny, but I’m not the funniest. I am a good singer, but I’m not the best singer. I’m a pretty good writer, but I’m not the greatest. Basically, I’m human, but damn if it’s not hard to accept that. I am a Christian. I love God so much, but I fall and get up and fall and get up and fall, and fall, and fall. I wish I could just let go. I wish I could just be enough. I wish people loved you for who you really were. I wish I trusted people enough to be myself. I wish I really knew who I was without the constant self-analysis, adjustment and inevitable loathing. I envy people who don’t care what people think about them. Why can’t I be like that? Why do I have to make sure everybody is pleased with me?

Who am I? I wish I knew. Only God knows.